I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!