My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
You Might Also Like
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth