They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
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[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.