Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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Eat…
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
A wise man once said nothing.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.