SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
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Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine