Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Oh yeh? Explain this then
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
oh shit
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.