Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
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Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
podcasts
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.