I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
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Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no