I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
put ‘er there pardner!
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I like long walks away from everyone