i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
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i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
u spoke cat all this time??????
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you