Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
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I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here