Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
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Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.