Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?