I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
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[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana