I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
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🤭😂
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
step 6: release the wall snake
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.