My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
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I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan