My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
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ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.