Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
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“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Has science gone too far?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.