I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
my professor scared me for a second
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out