Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
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Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.