“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
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Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
When libraries troll their patrons.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Go girl power!
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.