One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
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[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit