*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
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Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me driving through Toronto
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!