Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.