here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
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6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Siri: Retweet me.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling