[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
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That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
We need to put an American base on the sun
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.