her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Spell check is for lasers.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?