If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
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Passed by a old school Math example today.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
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He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.