[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
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pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.