My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Genius idea!!
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.