*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”