If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”