CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
You Might Also Like
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.