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[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????