[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
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Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.