Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
You Might Also Like
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
my proudest tweet
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”