professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
still the best tweet of the year by far
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket