wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
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Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”