I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.