I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
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Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific