My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
You Might Also Like
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.