In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
how high up are we talkin’?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff