Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If only.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice