My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Encore…
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”