I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
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Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”