Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
You Might Also Like
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.