Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Worth a try
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.