My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it