With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
You Might Also Like
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Love this guy
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed