Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
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You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Good point.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.